Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
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I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
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you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned