The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
only you would photoshop your dick
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So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
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And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.