Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
