the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
