A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
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