I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Randomize
