When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers