my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
