Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
