She is in my trunk
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
