I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
