I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
