dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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