Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
