Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
