she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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