please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
