Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
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