two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
