she was so not down for the gang bang
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
