i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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