Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
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The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
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Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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