OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
