I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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