he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
