I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize