Me. At least after what I've been through.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
