His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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