I wish my penis had an off switch
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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