I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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