We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
