My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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