I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
