Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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