So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
