6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
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I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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