one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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