Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
