It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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