Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
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The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
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Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...