Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
