Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
