i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
