We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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