i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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