While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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