Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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