Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
