I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
