i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
