Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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