hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
