first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
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So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
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She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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