I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
