a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize