i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
